Thursday, December 22, 2016

Hell on Earth

My heart is full but my womb is empty.

I’m married to an amazing man. I know every wife probably thinks this, but I mean I REALLY hit the jackpot. Aaron was seriously injured at work four months ago. I walked into the emergency room to find him laying in a bed surrounded by first responders moaning, sobbing, and shaking. He was in incredible pain and facing overwhelming fear. And the first words out of his mouth to me were “I’m so sorry. Now I won’t be able to work. How will I take care of you?” This is his constant first thought; “how will I take care of everyone else?” A couple of days ago, our dumb dog chewed the flipper off a stuffed penguin Aaron bought for me on a very special outing while were still dating. Aaron is now back to work, having just started a brand new job about a week ago. His brain is crammed full of new information all day every day and he comes home exhausted and desperately needing some rest. But he walked in to find me crying over a stupid stuffed penguin and he immediately took out the needle and thread and spent the next hour and a half performing stuffed animal surgery. No one has ever loved me better than this man. I’m convinced that no one could possibly make a better father either.

I have the best friends in the world; people who support and encourage me, live life alongside me, and love me in my scum and sin and constant screw ups. And they’re pretty fun too! That’s not even including my family, whose goodness I don’t have enough time or ink to describe. I have infinitely more love in my life than I deserve.

I teach preschool. I’m surrounded by adorable, wonderful, compassionate, intelligent children all the time. I love them with my entire heart. When they give me bear hugs, dance around the classroom to Christmas music with me, or say, “Teacher, I love you,” my heart swells and I am overwhelmingly grateful for my job. There is no greater gift in my life than the gift of my students.

But still, sometimes I look at their little faces and wonder if I’ll ever know love like that from a child of my own and the ache threatens to tear me in two, sometimes right in the middle of circle time. Grief strikes at the strangest moments. A friend announces their pregnancy on facebook and my heart is ripped to shreds as I smile for them and feel simultaneous joy that they’re producing more life and love in the world. I receive an invite to a baby shower for a family member that I knew was coming and who I am so thrilled for and I burst into sobs. Sometimes the pain is so big, I feel swallowed up in it. Some days I’d rather give up and just enjoy my quiet life with my husband because it would be easier to know we won’t have children than to try and fail. Then at least I’d feel like I had some control over my own body. In reality, I have none.

I have PCOS; a vindictive disgusting disease that causes my body not to ovulate for months on end (among other symptoms). My husband and I have been trying to start a family for 14 long months and I have ovulated only twice in that entire stretch of time. For 8 months, my doctor told me to lose some weight, as if I would miraculously get pregnant as a reward for no longer being chubby. Guess what one of the symptoms of PCOS is? Unexplained weight gain and inability to lose it. I ate 1200 calories a day and worked out regularly and I stepped on the scale every morning to find that it had not budged even an ounce, that I was failing at this too, that I had even less control over my body than I had realized. I wanted to scream. Finally, I was diagnosed with PCOS. But then my doctor told me that in order to give me the medication that might help, he would require me to come in for an ultrasound once a month. Insurance does not cover infertility treatment and ultrasounds are horrendously expensive. And remember that bit about my husband being injured? He didn’t work for months. If we wanted to eat, we quite literally could not afford the treatment that might finally make my body work the way it was supposed to. I felt taken advantage of by the people that were supposed to care for my health. So I started trying to find a new doctor. But  none of the doctors in this valley will take new patients unless they are already pregnant or have a referral. I called and called for months before a brand new doctor to the area finally agreed to see me. Now I’m on medication that is supposed to force my body to ovulate, but it hasn’t. It might not work for me, ever. And even if it does, the average time it takes to get pregnant for a normally ovulating woman is 6 months, then there’s that 9 month incubation period before you get to meet the baby. So even if the medication works, it will probably be at least another 14 months before I get to hold a child in my arms. If it doesn’t work, that means a referral to a specialist in Seattle, thousands of dollars in treatment, and more hypotheticals. That, or adoption, which also takes time and copious amounts of money. You see where I’m going with this? The hope I once had that I would be called “mommy,” that I would love and nurture a child, that I would get to have what so many of the people my age seem to so easily have; it’s wearing pretty thin. In fact, I wouldn’t say that what I feel can be called hope at all; more like desperation. So now there are days when I’m angry with people I love just because they get to have what I desire most and may never have for myself. I walk around broken, empty, feeling like there’s a piece of my heart/life missing. I knew when we started trying that I was ready. I started praying for my unborn child and their life and future and health and happiness 14 months ago, but that child is still not in my life. I have cried out to God time and time again; explaining why I’m ready, that I have complete faith that He could make my body work even when medicine can’t, that I would rely on Him every day for the selflessness it takes to sacrifice your lifestyle for a tiny human being who depends on you for everything, bargaining with Him, and begging through hot tears. And He has not answered. I am still barren. People have said to me that it will happen when it’s the right time, that God knows when that is. And though I know they mean well, it still takes every fiber of self control in my being not to slap them. With those few words, meant to comfort, they tell me that they believe my husband and I did not do our due diligence before we decided we were ready. That even though we prayed and talked and thought for years, we were wrong to think that it was the right time, that God is closing my womb because He doesn’t yet think I can be a mother. What I hear when people say those words is that God gave babies to countless women who are drug addicts and to women who beat their children; but He thinks I’m unfit to be a mother at this time.

I hear people talk about their infertility struggles and how they understand my pain and then I look at their one or two or three children and think, you don’t know the meaning of the word “infertile.” You have what I so desperately want. I feel alone in my pain and I feel abandoned by a God that I trusted when I felt the nudge toward motherhood.

We don’t talk about our own personal hells very much, at least not publicly. But they certainly exist. Hell is always touching earth in the places where brokenness is winning. In my case, it’s my body that is broken. I don’t believe it actually has anything to do with God because I believe He designed my body to work a certain way and the fact that it doesn’t has a whole lot more to do with the enemy. I digress, but my point is that heaven and hell both exist this side of eternity. We’ve all experienced moments of shining joy and clarity and hope, like those moments when a four year old says to me, “Teacher, I love you,” and I know that I have been given the gift of pure, Christ-like, unconditional, unquestioning love. That’s heaven on earth, things working according to the way God designed them. “Thy Kingdom come, thy will be done on earth as it is in Heaven.” Then there’s the civil war in Syria, the abuse of children, the injury of my dear husband, the barrenness of my womb; all places where hell is touching earth, where God’s will is not being done, where things on earth are not working as they should/would have if Adam and Eve hadn’t screwed us all over. And we don’t like to talk about those places. Our culture likes comfort. Staring pain in the face, especially someone else’s is not comfortable. But we all have it. We’re all carrying hell on our backs because hell is right here on earth. My hell may be different from yours, but you all know what I’m talking about. That thing that rears its’ ugly head at the strangest of times and makes you feel like you just might shatter into a million pieces. Maybe the rest of your life is just as full as mine and that’s part of the reason the pain takes your breath away. There’s so much good, so why should this one thing feel as though it can cancel out all of that? But it can and it sometimes does. Grief is funny like that.

You’re not alone in your hell. I’m living here too. This side of heaven, we will always be experiencing a little bit of hell. No one is immune. The person sitting next to you who you’re convinced has the perfect life? They have their own personal hell too. Hell on earth is a universal reality. If you believe in Jesus, your hope lies in the fact that we know who wins in the end; that hell gets eradicated. I cling to that daily, but it isn’t always enough to hold me together. I’m still falling apart and I’m tired of not talking about it. The not talking about it keeps me alone in it. So I have some things to say about hell on earth. Even though I know how trivial and unhelpful this can sound when you’re walking through hell, I hope you know that you’re not alone.

As Christmas approaches, I’m reflecting on the significance of the entire holiday and I think it is pretty well summed up in those four little words; you are not alone. Christmas is the day that we celebrate God leaving heaven and descending to earth, a place where hell often reigns. We celebrate the birth of a baby destined for abandonment, exclusion, and unimaginable suffering. God is the only being in all of history who had a choice whether or not to be born. He is also the only being in all of history who knew how badly His life would hurt before He made that choice. And He came anyway, just to demonstrate, in the most costly of ways that you are not alone. Christmas is a reminder that God has walked through hell too and come out unscathed; and it’s the only reason we can hope for the same eventuality for ourselves.

“Isn’t it wonderful? It makes all the difference to know there’s someone else screaming alongside you-and that’s the point of the incarnation. I can see that so clearly now. God came into the world and screamed alongside us.”-Susan Howatch

God and I; we’re both screaming alongside you, and so is the rest of humanity. So even if your Christmas isn’t merry this year, I wish you a Christmas brimming with hope and the knowledge that hell is a not a solitary place. You are not alone. 

Thursday, August 18, 2016

Screaming Alongside Us

My husband started a new job two weeks ago. He left a sure thing to pursue a career that would offer him benefits and a retirement plan and financial security for our family if it all went as planned. It didn’t. One week in, he fell 5 ½ feet into chemicals and damaged his eyes and broke his kneecap into more than 8 pieces. It will be months before he can work again and, when he’s ready, he probably won’t have a job to go back to. In the meantime, he’s had one surgery and has another to look forward to, he’s in pain, and he can’t stand up or sit down without help. It’s been excruciating to watch him hurt and feel helpless and miserable, and I’m sure it’s been more excruciating to be the one living it. Remarkably, he has a really positive attitude about all of this.

I don’t tell you about his accident because I want to whine publicly or to ask for sympathy. Because I’m really truly grateful in the midst of all this. I had about one day where I fully panicked and spent some time giving God a piece of my mind, asking the, “Where the hell are you?” questions. And ever since then, He’s shown me in a hundred ways that He’s right here with me. We have not felt like we’re not going to be okay. We’ve had meals brought to us, yard work done for us, things offered and provided that we didn’t even know we needed, and a revolving door of visitors who love us and fill our lazy healing days with joy. I am profoundly thankful for my life and my people, now more than ever. But I can’t pretend I’m not still grieving, not still learning how to let go of what I thought my life would look like right now, not still wondering how we’re going to pay our bills, not still hiding in a  closet to cry when my husband doesn’t sleep at night and spends hours moaning in pain instead. This. Is. Hard. And the mixture of joy and sorrow I feel has gotten me thinking a lot about grief and suffering and the chaos of plans and dreams shattered like kneecaps (see what I did there? ;)

I am fortunate to have friends and family who tend not to say really stupid things, but I’ve been reading and reflecting and realizing that so often, when things like this happen, Christians are really really bad at handling them. We love phrases like, “Everything happens for a reason,” “God must have a plan for this,” and, “All things work together for good.” As if God pushed my husband off that truck and into those chemicals because it was His plan to shatter Aaron’s kneecap but then some cool stuff would happen and we would realize that it was so GOOD that he spent months hurting because if he hadn’t, God couldn’t possibly have done anything for us. Like I said, I’m fortunate to have not had to hear much of that from the people I love, but not everyone who suffers is so lucky. And so I feel like I need to say what God has been teaching me about suffering and grief in this time of my own grief. And this is what I’m learning: You can’t go around pain. You have to go through it. Being alive hurts. And that pain demands to be felt, whether now or in 20 years after it’s festered until you can’t hold it in anymore. You will feel the pain of the messed up things that happen to you. It is not God’s intention that you pretend it doesn’t hurt, plaster a smile on your face, and force yourself to believe that it “happened for a reason.” It is the desire of God’s heart to wade through the muck and the suffering with you and to piece you back together.

I repeat: God can absolutely restore your brokenness and can do really beautiful things in your life even when your whole life hurts, but that DOES NOT MEAN that the pain is what He wanted for you. In His perfect plan and perfect world, there would be no suffering. There is no good Christian explanation for why suffering exists, though theologians have been trying to come up with a coherent explanation for centuries. There’s no rhyme or reason to suffering or grief. They exist because evil exists. They are the chaos that results from living in a broken world. My husband didn’t get hurt because we sinned and we’re being punished or because God wanted to bless someone else’s life through our pain or because God wanted to change our plans. God is smart enough and powerful enough to find other ways to do all of those things and I firmly believe that HE DOESN’T WANT US TO HURT. We try to assign motives to God because we’re uncomfortable with just letting things that hurt, hurt. Our culture is afraid of grief. We don’t know how to handle each other’s pain, so we try to explain it away. We need to learn to grieve well, to face it, to walk through it, to acknowledge it. Because it’s so psychologically and emotionally damaging to shut it down with pretty words. The words might cover it up for a while but there is no magic wand that will make it go away. Pain demands to be felt. The best thing we can do for ourselves is to walk straight through it. The sooner we do, the sooner we heal.

Grief is a process given to us by God. Grieving well is how we learn to hope. Hope comes from admitting that everything is not okay, I am not okay, but I believe that this isn’t all there is. If we make ourselves believe that everything is always hunky dory, then there’s nothing to hope for. The pain we feel when our lives break is a result of our innate knowledge that pain is not what we were designed for. We are made for healing, for restoration, for heaven. If we don't grieve well, we can't hope well. And hope is God’s tool for helping us make it through the pain without being destroyed. When we take away someone’s right to grieve, we also take away their ability to hope. So stop trying to explain grief away and learn to feel it, to let it hurt, to do the irrational things that you need to do to feel better, to yell at God, to cry for days or weeks or months or a few times a year for the rest of your life or however long you need to cry and scream. Learn to let the pain run its’ course so that you can learn to hope again.

Life in the Jesus way is not about pretending that it doesn’t hurt to be human. In fact, God knows and affirms exactly how painful it is to be human. That’s the whole point of the incarnation. Even the God of the universe grieved, so why do we buy the lie that we should not? God came here and was human with us and He suffered in unimaginable ways so that He could later walk through our grief with us and we would be convinced that He understands. Jesus cried out, “Why have you forsaken me?” so that we would know that it’s okay to be angry at God and to yell at Him and to tell Him exactly how we feel.  God suffered and died as a human so that we’d know that it’s okay to feel pain and that we don’t ever have to suffer alone. To be human is to grieve. To be a Christian human is not to grieve less, it's to know that we never grieve in isolation or without hope that there is more to the universe than pain. 

“It makes all the difference to know there’s someone else screaming alongside you-and that’s the point of the incarnation. I can see that so clearly now. God came into the world and screamed alongside us.” –Susan Howatch

Friday, June 26, 2015

Love Wins

     Today, the Supreme Court ruled laws preventing gay marriage unconstitutional. Marriage equality is now legal in all 50 United States. This is a controversial and polarizing issue among Christians and has been causing debate and heartache amidst Jesus followers for ages. I'm not a big fan of polarization or conflict, so I usually keep my mouth shut. But today feels like an important day to be talking. For most of my life, I have looked at issues like this one through the lens of my Christian morals. That moralism caused me to speak LOUDLY about things like sin, hell, what is wrong, and what I hate. At this point in my life, much has changed for me and I am overjoyed at the ruling the Supreme Court has made.  If there's one thing I've realized as I've grown in my faith, it's that my morals, beliefs, and lifestyle choices are not the morals, beliefs, and lifestyle choices of everyone else. The only person I can control is myself, and I often do a lousy job of it. Thankfully, the God I serve has given me limitless freewill and abounding grace, and I believe He desires these things in equal measure for all humans, whom He loves dearly. I want to be the kind of Christian who is known by what I stand FOR; love, justice, grace, forgiveness, healing; and not by what I stand against. And I believe that Christianity at its' core stands for freedom from bondage and the spreading of the love that's been poured out on us, which means all I want to preach, regardless of what I might think or believe about any given issue, is unconditional love for individual people. So, congratulations USA, on deciding to follow in God's footsteps and allow everyone the freewill to choose.
     I mentioned that I used to spend a lot of time thinking about things like sin and hell. And what I realized is that hell is often right here on earth. I see hell in the eyes of child soldiers, in poverty, hunger, the abandoning of children, physical abuse between spouses, genocide, war, rape, brutality towards those we disagree with, the list goes on and on. I see hell reflected on this earth in many ways and places, but the love between a same sex couple is not one of them. It's important to me to speak up when it matters, which means choosing issues that matter, situations where justice is being trampled. I believe that justice was served today. I think the Supreme Court is right that the Constitution calls for liberty and the ability to pursue happiness for all citizens. I think the Supreme Court decided to stop playing God and to me, that's a relief. I am not God. We are not God. I am a lover and a follower of God and the God that I serve has asked me, above all else, to spread healing and love and leave the judging to Him. That God wants to put the broken world back together.That God wants me to spend more time thinking about bringing Heaven to earth than I do thinking about hell.That God tells us that His ultimate plan is to return and live among His people and wipe the tears from every eye; to know and be known and to heal what is hurting; to make all things new (Revelation 21). He beckons to us saying, "Come. Join me." I don't believe we can do that by shouting from the rooftops about what we hate. To put the world back together, we'll have to spend our time and energy shouting about what we love. And what do God and I have in common when it comes to love? We love people. All of them. The ones whose cultures and skin colors and languages are different from mine. The ones who hurt me. The gay ones. The ones who are largely the same as me. The ones whose sins I foolishly think of as bigger than my own. All of them. So today and every day, I'm choosing to shout love. And today, I am proud to be an American.

Monday, December 1, 2014

Giving Thanks

Sometimes I forget how much I have to be thankful for. Then I look at all of the pictures plastering the sides of my cubicle and remember Christmases with family when we saw beautiful light displays in St. Louis or we sledded and snowmobiled in Stanley, ID. I'm reminded of face licks from adorable puppies and the sound of tiny paws on linoleum that are waiting for me at home each evening. I reflect on four and a half years of relationship with my husband, the day we got married, hikes with our foster daughter, and the many friends I've had the pleasure of loving. My life is unbearably beautiful. I'm overwhelmed when I start thinking of what I have to be grateful for, not just once a year on a holiday, but every day of my normal life. This past year has been filled with hardship and I've faced struggles I never could have anticipated and pain that ran deeper than I expected, but when I look back, I'm struck by the beauty that God has made out of the ashes. He's done so much with the hard things. Choosing the difficult meant reaping blessing upon blessing. It's because of His constant faithfulness that I can be thankful. "...for I have learned, in whatsoever state I am, to be content."
For me, Thanksgiving day was just a continuation of all that joy. We hosted this year and had Sandra with us for the entire week. It was so good for my heart to spend so much time with her. Our closest family joined us for THE MOST delicious dinner!! (We are related to many phenomenal cooks) We drank some delicious wine from some of our favorite wineries (shout out to Two Mountain Winery and Treveri Cellars!!), ate lots of cheese before dinner, watched the Seahawks win!!!!, ate pie at half time, and thoroughly enjoyed being together. There are few things I love more than looking around my table and seeing it filled with family. I wish there were more holidays so that I would have an excuse to host large family dinners more often. Maybe I'll start making up holidays of my own! Oh, and one of my personal highlights from Thanksgiving?! I didn't even ruin my first turkey!!!

And now I can start planning and decorating for CHRISTMAS!!!! which is my absolute favorite day of the year!!

Monday, November 3, 2014

The Second Best Day of My Life

      Yesterday I went to my first pro football game. The Seahawks played the Raiders at home on a rainy Seattle Sunday and I WAS THERE FOR IT! I was so giddy that I allowed my husband to purchase exorbitantly priced gloves as a souvenir and felt zero buyer's remorse. I didn't even complain about being cold once, which is really a big deal for me because I'm always cold. Like I use a space heater at my cubicle when it's 60 something degrees in the office. But yesterday I couldn't have cared less that I couldn't feel my toes. I was seriously on cloud nine as we joined the crowds in downtown Seattle flocking to the stadium. I was walking on sunshine. I discovered that ooooooo Heaven is a place on earth. Ok...focusing.
      They say there are no bad seats at Century Link field. I began to think that "they" had lied to me as we trekked up to our seats and I could feel the field getting further away with every step. We finally stopped with only one row left behind us. We were literally in the second to last row. I was convinced it would be disappointing and the players would look like stick people viewed from an airplane window. And then I turned around to look at the spectacle below and I could see EVERYTHING!! I could see the football clearly, could see Richard Sherman's dreads bounce up and down as he danced on the field before every play, could make out Pete Carroll's walk as he paced the sidelines. It was magical. We were solidly underneath the overhang and we stayed completely dry while the people with "good" seats got soaked. The only bad thing about our seats was the fact that I couldn't breathe by the time we reached them and my left leg quivered uncontrollably for the better part of the day. But I guess I feel a little better about my gluttony this weekend after climbing about a thousand of the steepest stairs in the world a couple of times, so really it's a win-win.
       "They" also say that the Seahawks fans are loud...and they are not kidding!! On the very first play, I was truly shocked when the screaming started and it HURT SO MUCH! It was that ears ringing, actually painful, can't think straight because it's so loud kind of a noise. This game was sensory overload.  I can still smell the garlic fries and caramel corn (a confusing combination for my olfactory system). It was seriously the perfect day filled with sights and sounds and joy and blue and green! I turned to Aaron early on in the game and informed him of all my feelings by shouting, "This is the second best day of my life and our wedding barely beats it!!!" Far from being offended, he shrieked back, "I KNOW, RIGHT?!" So basically, we both had a pretty good time. Our Hawks came through for us with a win, 30-24, complete with an interception by one of my favorite humans (Richard Sherman, of course)! We left the stadium and spent the two hour car ride back home in relative silence until one of us would periodically pipe up and say, "I can't believe we just went to a Seahawks game." Today I'm back at work and my throat is killing me from all of the screaming I did and I feel like I'm walking around in a dream because WAS I REALLY THAT CLOSE TO RICHARD SHERMAN?!? I have a mystical Seahawk hangover. 
       I really do have the best husband ever. How will he ever top this gift next year? Here are some pictures of our perfect day for your viewing pleasure:


Excited us!

Here they come!!

The Legion of Boom

We hunted down some of our favorite people during half time! This was my mother in law's first pro game as well. From left to right: Aaron, me, Wendy (mommy in law), Ally (Aaron's sister), and Michael (Ally's husband).


Wednesday, October 29, 2014

Busy busy!

     I haven't written anything on here in forever! Maybe because we've been super busy, but it still feels like there isn't much new happening. Here's a quick update: I started a new job, which I love. I'm an Office Administrator at Standard Paint and Flooring. It's a very different type of work from anything I've ever done before, but it's task oriented, I have concrete projects to finish every day, and I get to leave work at work when I go home. Plus I work with wonderful people, so it's really a great fit. Aaron and I are still volunteering at youth group, so I get to see my favorite teenagers every week, which is always a huge blessing. We are currently in the process of looking for a buy, which is exciting and stressful and at times, very discouraging (we've already had two offers turned down because someone else outbid us). But we're working hard to trust God with this process and thoroughly enjoying planning the future together. It's so much fun to step into a house and envision filling it with our things, talk about what color we would paint each room, and fantasize about our future children running around. Aside from house hunting and work, football season is in full swing, so we are parked in front of our TV every time the Seahawks hit the field. If you ever want to join us, come on over! But you have to be okay with loud noises and not talking about anything but football for a few hours. We wish the Hawks were playing a little better this season, but we still love them and we still jump around and scream just as much as we did during last years' Superbowl. We've even taught Brutus to howl every time we say "Go Hawks!" It's pretty adorable!
     Aside from these things, we've been travelling A LOT! To sum up our last month and a half of weekends: Aaron hosted an out of town bachelor party, I went to Sandpoint with the ladies on his side of the family (which was a hoot!), we travelled to Salem for a wedding, we celebrated my birthday, we went to Seattle and stayed with Aaron's aunt and uncle so that I could go clothes shopping with my birthday money (I was in dire need of professional clothing), and this weekend we are going to a Halloween party at a friends and then heading to Seattle because we're going to a SEAHAWKS GAME!!!! as Aaron's birthday gift to me. I have the best husband in the world. I actually cried when he told me we were going. He said to me, "Just think how close you'll be to Richard Sherman," and I lost it. I kid you not. It's really not that surprising, considering the frequency with which I cry. Let me tell you the perfect example story. One time I did something stupid (dropped a dish or something). I said, "Ugh. Kelsey, you're such a dumbass," and then I immediately burst into tears and sobbed, "I hurt my own feelings." Aaron was baffled. I know that story makes me sound pretty crazy, which I might be, but now you know how not weird it is for me to cry over just about anything. However, I've never cried from excitement before. So that was new and we now know that the Seahawks can induce more emotions in me than almost anything else.
     But hands down the most exciting thing in my life right now is the fact that I'm going to be AN AUNT!!! We've known Aaron's sister was pregnant since July, but they just made it public at the very end of September. And we found out the gender just two days before my birthday. It's a girl and I'm so incredibly excited to have a niece! Being an only child, Ally and Michael will be giving me my only nieces and nephews and my someday children their only cousins. I did a lot of squealing and almost crying when they told us and I'm already thinking of all the wonderful things I can crochet for this sweet girl. I can't wait to meet her this Spring!
     Life is good. God is good. When I take the time to reflect on recent years or I look at the pictures all over the walls of my cubicle at work, I am astounded by how beautiful this life is. I am a seriously lucky girl.

Monday, July 7, 2014


I apparently can't figure out how to work this stinkin' blog thing!! I wrote this whole post and published it. My profile even says I published on that date...but the post doesn't exist on my page. It's completely disappeared with no trace! I got so discouraged, I didn't blog for a bit. Sorry I'm bad at posting regularly. Here's what's happened in my life recently.
My dad visited on father's day weekend and we filled every moment to the seams with fun adventures! On Friday we went to a local brewery, Costco (they have great cheese!), the Beer Shoppe, the movies, and happy hour at Twig's. Then on Saturday we migrated to Lind, WA for the combine demolition derby. What is this, you ask? It's exactly what it sounds like! They take old combines, paint them up, name them, and run them into each other until they fall apart. I really think you have to see it to appreciate it, but it's TOO much fun! I've decided the best part might just be the people watching. We see all kinds of colorful characters every year, but this year our most colorful person sighting award goes to a young woman in a pink camouflage tank top and fitted black skirt. Disclaimer: this story contains some graphic imagery. We had purchased "pit passes" and gone behind the scenes to look at and take pictures with the combines before they were demolished. On the way back to our seats in the beer garden, I look up and see this bare ass just glaring at me! This girl felt the need to adjust her thong underwear and chose to do so by lifting her skirt all the way up above her butt. Who does that!?! It made me laugh hysterically, but then it made my beer taste bad...or maybe that's because it was crappy beer. Even so, we had a great time! Here are some pictures from the bits of our day that contained no nudity.

On a note completely unrelated to farm equipment or butts, I GOT A JOB!! I mean, I know I already have one, but my current internship will be over at the end of August. I'm trying my best not to think too hard about this bittersweet reality yet. But luckily for me, I've already been hired to start a new job on the 1st of September. I'm a little apprehensive about this transition, but I'm excited to already have a full time job complete with benefits lined up for the Fall. I get to work for a friend too! I'm looking forward to this opportunity to learn a whole new type of work (officey) and to have the opportunity to support my wonderful husband while he finished school. Not to mention the regular hours and weekends off. The only challenge now will be reconstructing my wardrobe to fit a professional office instead of pool parties and ice cream with students...